Listening to: Mastodon
Reading: The Great Hunt
Watching: Breaking Bad
Playing: WoW, Dragons Dogma, Civ 5, The Sims
Eating: Chinese food
Well, I've been up for an ungodly long time so this seems like the perfect opportunity to submit a journal and get things off my mind! I always seem to dwell on my psychological issues when I'm tired, though I usually end up falling asleep and can't remember anything the next morning. I also come up with really awesome comic/story ideas and then promptly forget them.
Rant/thinking aloud warning
So! I have started seeing a new therapist. My last one was a student, and her time at the progam I'm at ran out. So for the nth time in 7 years I am starting all over again with my therapy. Obviously I have some things down, but now I get to spend the next month or two getting to know my new therapist and getting a lot of the intro stuff out of the way. My last therapist left a seed in my mind to grow while I waited for the one I'm seeing now. This seed has sprouted into something I feel boils down everything. CPTSD. Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. With regular PTSD, it's only diagnosed under specific conditions and symptoms. CPTSD is a theory that PTSD can manifest itself in other ways. I feel like this explains my depression, anxiety, waking nightmares, and psycho-sematic(?) symptoms.
When I talk about (PS) symptoms, I don't mean things like a rash or a nervous tick. I'm talking about horrible cramping pains and kidney stones that leave me basically unable to function for at least one day. Pain so intense that I end up forcing myself to vomit just so that I won't have to worry about anything happening with my stomach. Pain so intense that I usually end up passing out. I feel like I have to type this out so I can get it off my chest. I'm extremely frustrated when people don't understand what I go through, the people who are supposed to be helping me. "Just talk to yourself and tell yourself everything will get better!" Does not fucking help. I do not have control over the pain that I experience, thanks. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life, and often that I don't even have a life. I just exist. I just sit here, a little ball of sad and pain. And I don't even know what I'm so sad about anymore! Hell, I barely have any memories from the past ten years except for all the traumatic shit I went through. This pain and depression and anxiety has taken over my life so much that it's all I can remember except for a few choice pieces. I feel almost like my subconscious has just started blocking stuff out without my permission, just so I don't have to deal with the memories. Of course I do remember a bit, but there's just this alarming amount of time that I'm missing and can't recall at all. It's very frustrating when you're in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist and you can't answer some questions because you can't remember anymore! It's very invalidating! And frustrating! I am so angry and frustrated with myself lately. I know where I need to go and what I need to do, but I feel like I can't! Like there's this huge, big, black, solid wall blocking my path and holding me back! I can visualize it. And I don't know what it means!
Thankfully everyday I don't feel this way and I get my rare respites, thanks to Reilley. I really don't know where I'd be without him. I've come a lot closer to suicide lately than I have ever been and I think the only thing that really has kept me from it is his love and support. I know it sounds so sappy and silly.
I found some old sketchbooks that I've never used and I've gotten a bit back into doodling, which might lead to me actually posting something! So shocking! I also picked up a book on anatomy but I haven't actually opened it yet. I've been too caught up in rereading the Wheel of Time series (<3) and exploring my new-found love of the Civilization series.
We're looking after a friends cat for a little bit while she looks for a new place. She's 18 years old and a complete sweet heart. She couldn't weigh more that 2lbs and she's really beautiful. If I can find a camera maybe I will post some pictures. I really adore her. Maybe one day when I get out of here I will look into fostering cats.